I wonder whether our relationship will suffer because of my secret worries about her dad. Marked Man A: Theres doing the right thing, and then theres doing the right thing for the right reasons. Ideally, you refrain from shoplifting because its wrong to steal, not because they show videos of shoplifters on the news sometimes and your nose always looks so big on security camera footage. It turns out that there are two fundamental motivations for all life-forms from microbes to men. They are approach (going toward good, helpful, survival-promoting things) and avoidance (moving away from bad, dangerous, deadly things). Research by social psychologist Shelly Gable suggests that romantic relationships are happier when theyre driven by approach rather than avoidance motives. So, say your girlfriend asks that you put food-encrusted plates in the dishwasher instead of leaving them out for the archeologists to find. An approach motivation means doing as she asks because youre striving for a positive outcome like making her feel loved instead of trying to avoid a negative one, like having your fate in showbiz patterned after that first guy in a horror movie who gets curious about the weird growling in the basement. The research suggests that you can happy up your relationship by reframing why you do things shifting to an I just wanna make her happy motivation. To do that, set aside your career fears and just try to be fair to both of you. The relationship may fizzle out.
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